I’ve watched as my attitude towards my own sexuality has changed in the past few years. Initially, sex was a way for me to get my own gratification; it was something that someone else possessed that I had to get, and I used manipulation and intimidation widely towards that end. As I aged, sex became a way of submitting myself to a sexually dysfunctional partner who used sex as a way of manifesting her own self-loathing. I found myself caught between these two extremes: taking exclusively for myself and subsuming myself in someone else’s needs, and neither attitude seemed like a successful path to love.
So it’s been interesting to watch on this trip how my sexuality has changed. I’ve consciously deconstructed sex and built it back as something different. The questions I ponder: how can sex be a celebration of someone’s internal and external aspects? How can it be playful? How can it be respectful? Can it be spiritually fulfilling? What, ultimately, is it for?